I don’t recall when it started happenin’ or why, I just know I’m bout sick of it. Things just seem…drawn to me. After the fifth time those damn things ransacked my place, I decided I needed to keep an eye on things. I figured out what they like and here I sit, irritated as hell on my back porch. I have five things in dishes set out on the steps, ‘pendin on which one of ’em shows up. I got me some raw meat (I think it’s some high end stuff… boar or somethin’), a vial of fresh blood (not mine, obviously), a plate of brains (what? Don’t ask), a container holding a noisy, wailing sinner soul (I said, stop asking questions, damn it) and a saucer of toenails (OK, those are mine).

They usually show up on the weekend nights, which is a pain ’cause I had to quit the damn bowling league. I should be at the lanes with the boys, knocking back a few and hittin’ a few strikes, not sitting here on my own damn porch, waiting for some god forsaken trick or treating bastards. I got me an insurance policy too, case they try to get too close for comfort. Nobody wants a double barrel of buckshot in the face, I don’t care what dimension yer from. Oh, here comes one now.

It’s one of those spider lookin bastards. Here he comes, all eight legs, just a rollin and a strollin, pretty as you please (actually, he’s ugly as sin). He pauses an’ looks at me warily, like he didn’t expect me to be there. Here I am, you eight legged bitch! What now?! He chooses the toenails and leaves without further incident. Damn. It’ll be another week and a half before I can clip some fresh ones, and they don’t like fingernails. No idea why. Last time, I had to use some of my mad money to hire one of the gals down over on the corner. They don’t ask no questions and they especially don’t care if I just clip their nails. I’m sure they’ve seen weirder shit than that. Don’t eyeball me or judge me, you nosy bastard! Man’s gotta do what he can to protect his property.

Anyways, that’s my usual Friday or Saturday night. One of these days, I’m gonna figure out why they keep coming my way. I kinda wish it had been one of those floating ones without a face. They usually choose the soul and I get some peace and quiet. Right now, I have neither because the damn soul won’t stop wailing and hollerin’. Ah well, could be worse I guess.

Could have missed the 7-10 split. The boys would never let me here the end of that one.

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